Romance Runs on Signals, Not Words, Study Finds

ByDom Castellano

New relationship research reveals that subtle nonverbal cues significantly outperform direct verbal communication in early romantic interactions, flipping conventional wisdom about dating approach. These findings arrive as digital communication increasingly dominates social connection, creating new challenges for singles navigating the delicate transition from online to in-person dating.

According to research from Jeffrey Hall, associate professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas, people who express interest primarily through body language rather than verbal expression often struggle in one-on-one conversation settings despite their confidence in group environments. “There’s good reason why the physical style doesn’t play out in a conversational environment,” Hall noted in findings published by Glamour.

This research aligns with recommendations from dating coach Blaine Anderson, whose business Dating by Blaine has attracted hundreds of thousands of followers with evidence-based approaches to attraction. “My guy friends would ask me for dating advice about my sorority sisters,” Anderson said, explaining her research journey. “The BEST guys had the WORST luck with girls, and it confused me,” she told Men’s Journal.

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The Neuroscience of Attraction

Relationship therapist Sue Marriott, LCSW, CGP, explains that romantic anxiety has biological roots that can be understood and managed. “Fear of expressing interest is your biology saying, ‘This is important,'” Marriott states. “So thank your fluttery nerves for doing their job and executing their duty to warn, and then remind yourself that the actual risk is manageable.”

These biological responses explain why many daters feel overwhelming anxiety when attempting direct verbal expressions of interest. The research suggests that building attraction through incremental nonverbal signals creates a safer pathway that bypasses these threat responses.

Brain imaging studies indicate that successful romantic connections activate reward pathways whether initiated through verbal or nonverbal means, but anxiety centers show lower activation when attraction builds through progressive nonverbal signaling rather than direct verbal declaration.

Digital Transformation of Dating

The research gains significance as dating increasingly begins through text-based apps and social media, creating a sudden transition to in-person interaction that many find jarring. Pew Research indicates that 64% of married adults believe shared interests form the foundation of successful relationships, making both verbal and nonverbal demonstration of these commonalities crucial.

Dating apps have transformed romantic initiation, but they’ve created a new challenge: transitioning from text-based connection to physical presence. Anderson’s research identified four nonverbal elements that consistently generate attraction: thoughtful personal presentation, confident spatial presence, intentional eye contact, and physical wellness.

“Is that a challenge?” represents the type of playful verbal engagement that builds on nonverbal foundations, according to relationship experts. This approach creates mutual investment through progressive engagement rather than binary acceptance or rejection of direct interest statements.

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The “Active Listening” Advantage

Beyond nonverbal cues, research by Faye Doell examined two distinct listening approaches: “listening to understand” versus “listening to respond.” Those practicing the former reported significantly higher relationship satisfaction, revealing another dimension beyond verbal or nonverbal expression.

“One study conducted by Faye Doell showed that there are two different types of listening: ‘listening to understand’ and ‘listening to respond,'” Diana Raab, Ph.D., explained in Psychology Today, as cited by Glamour. “Those who ‘listen to understand’ have greater satisfaction in their interpersonal relationships than others.”

This active listening approach creates connection through demonstrated interest rather than explicit statements. Simple acknowledgments like using someone’s name—which studies show activates pleasure centers in the brain—or responding “wow, congratulations” to good news creates stronger bonds than direct declarations of interest.

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Progressive Vulnerability

Therapists emphasize that successful romance develops through incremental vulnerability rather than immediate disclosure. “Gradual vulnerability builds connection,” Marriott explains. “By taking it slow, you give yourself space to notice how your nervous system reacts, guiding your next steps.”

This progressive approach applies to both digital and in-person interaction. Research shows that relationships typically advance through stages of increasing self-disclosure, with premature vulnerability often triggering discomfort while appropriately timed openness strengthens bonds.

Digital communication has created new pathways for this progressive disclosure. “Back when Twitter was Twitter, I even had a system for getting dates on there,” one relationship columnist shared. “I’d find a cute, smart guy that I was interested in and follow him. He’d usually follow me back… We’d start liking each other’s tweets, and eventually reply to each other.”

As relationship science continues advancing, the findings increasingly support approaches that blend nonverbal signaling with progressive verbal engagement rather than binary declarations of interest—a strategy that reflects deeper understanding of human social psychology in both digital and physical contexts.

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